Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
