remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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