her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
