Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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