I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
