we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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