Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize