Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
