Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
