I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
