I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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