every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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