You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
