He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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