I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
