I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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