I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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