Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
