Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
