i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Send help, water and tortillas.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
