I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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