i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
