i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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