Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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