I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
