Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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