mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
