I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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