I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
