Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
