If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
