i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
