I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
