I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
