I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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