I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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