you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
