I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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