That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just threw up on my dentist
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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