I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
