What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
