I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
