oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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