You don't have asthma, your pregnant
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
