I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
