if i can run in heels then i can drive
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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