If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
