Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
