My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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