if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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