I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
