The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
