My boss' voice literally gives me gas
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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