Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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