Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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