I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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