I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
