Where is the hickey?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
